Happy with Misery
by AwkwardHumanBeanThing
Summary: Lucy Heartfilia was the light of Fairy Tail, with her brilliant smile and shining personality. But what nobody ever saw was the fragile girl behind that mask; the one who was far from what she portrayed herself to be.


It is said that the saddest people always smile the brightest.

In Lucy's opinion, it all depended on how perfect the facade was. And of course, as everyone knows, practice makes perfect.

Lucy's had a lot of practice.

There may have been a time in her life when she smiled candidly, perhaps when her mother was still well. But that has long since passed. When Lucy's father began to shut her out of his life, Lucy didn't know what to do.

The most obvious solution was to cry, and she did. She wept and convulsed until there were no more tears to spare and her body trembled with fatigue.

At that point, she learned to appear emotionless. It was better for people to see a blank exterior rather than observe the inner turmoil the little girl was suffering from.

But that wasn't good enough. And it was brought to her attention when her father, for the first time in what seemed like months, had talked to her.

The two were at a "party" (in reality it was a meeting of sorts for business competitors to size one another up) when Jude had looked down on the young one.

"Pick your chin up, Lucy. Do not look depressed in the presence of such company."

"Yes, Papa."

And so that night she began to smile. It looked like more of a grimace at first, as though she were bearing the pain of the world when quirking her mouth upwards, but she grew accustomed to the feeling. Eventually, she mastered the art of donning a cheerful facade.

She became able to trick those around her to think that the gloss around her eyes were those of joy, not the remnants of tears. She disarmed people of suspicions with a pearly smile. For who could possibly feel so horrible if they smiled so bright?

It was normal for Lucy. After all, it was always easier to pretend as if one is okay rather then to acknowledge and work on the issue.

Then came the time when she finally snapped and fled from the wreck that was her family life.

And she met Natsu.

And Happy.

And Erza, and Levy, and Mira and so many others.

And Lucy no longer felt alone.

She was able to smile genuinely for the first time in years.

Happy always comforted her, and Levy would make her feel like a normal girl again; like nothing was ever wrong with her. Mira made her feel like she had a life and would conspire with her on the romances of the guild. Erza and Gray made her feel as though she was being watched over, like a darling little sister.

And Natsu, well, Natsu made her feel like Lucy. Or rather what Lucy should be. He made her laugh out loud, and not in that practiced jingle that she had perfected as a child. He made her bellow and snort in a most unladylike manner, but he would chuckle right along with her. He would make her cry, but in glee rather than in despair. He would make her feel things, and not just the anger and annoyance she felt wash over her when she would find him in her bed every morning without fail. He would make her feel warm and fuzzy and safe inside.

He would make her feel loved.

And that was why they - why he could never know.

Never know how in their absence she forgot how to really smile; how she would slip into her old state and render herself emotionless and cold.

Never know how she cried. Sometimes the dam inside her would crack and tremble, and she would be left alone to her thoughts and weep about all the horrible outcomes that may just come true.

Never know how she would rub her skin raw to escape from her ugly husk of a shell. Although Lucy may pride herself on her body, she still was insecure. How could you not be with your crush calling you heavy all the time? So in those quiet times when she had a moment to herself and suddenly a wave of darkness would hit her, she would scratch and scrub at her alabaster skin she wished could be just a bit more tan until it turned a horrid shade of pink.

Never know she would stare in the mirror and wish to be somebody - anybody else. She wasn't oblivious. She knew she was nowhere near as strong as the rest of the members of Fairy Tail. Heck, she was probably one of the weakest. All of her strength depended on her comrades, and without them she would be nothing. Maybe if she were different, she would have been a powerful mage with an even stronger personality. Or maybe she would have been a simple woman and would not have to concern herself over such trivial issues.

Never know about the pills she kept in her cabinet. It was Lucy's greatest secret. Nobody - not even Natsu, had been able to guess that Lucy was depressed. The only way anybody would know would be if they somehow stumbled upon her hidden stash of medication. The medication that kept her from staring at those blades a little too longingly. The medication that kept her from wondering how long the fall would be into the river below. The medication that kept her smiling.

So for their sake, they wouldn't know.

And she was perfectly happy with that.

Did you catch that lil joke at the end?

Anyway, I wrote this on a plane, on my phone, on notes, so there's bound to be a ton of wrong autocorrects, mistakes and stuff like that. It's not my best writing, but the concept was good. Then I tried elaborating on it and kind of ruined it. Oh well. Feel free to review to tell me if anything is screwy or to just leave your honest opinion. I'm open to feedback! Anyway, I don't know what else to say so thanks for reading and have a great day!

Also, really quickly, you're not alone and you never will be! You've got friends in your real life and on the inter-webs (you got me). Don't be afraid to admit if you are depressed or if you need help, depression is a real problem and it deserves to be treated because you deserve to be happy. Okay, that's it.

-AwkwardHumanBeanThing


End file.
